How I Spent Your Tax Money on Saturday

This weekend was a sports weekend that pitted HMCS Queen against Unicorn. It was a battle of titans which I spent most of watching tv. Apparantly I was supposed to sign up for different sports ahead of time. I thought it was a suggestion, however because I didn't I wasn't allowed to play in any of the games.

Exept one, vollyball. One of the people who sighned up for it didn't show. So I joined the team! For five minutes. I was quickly kicked off because I was so bad at it. I'm not jocking, I was quite literaly kicked off the team for being bad at sports. The captain called for a time out, pointed at someone and said "you.." then pointed at me and said, "...replace him." And I'll say this again, it was after only five minutes of me playing.

Then a game of basket ball was started, and I was made to keep score. I have no idea how to score Basketball. I was tolled that it was one point for fowels and two for baskets. That was fine. It is supprisingly hard to score basketball. After a basket is made the game just keeps going on, so if you don't pay attention you can miss a score. And I know I missed atleast three and added one, even though I was not sure if the ball went into the basket. At one point in the game I was told by the ref that one basket that was just made was worth three points. That completly threw me off. From then on I had to keep asking the ref every time someon scored how many points it was worth. My question is: Who cares? Why isn't it just one point for one basket? Why do you want to complcate things that don't have to be? Do you have a thing for uneccisarily high scores? Long story short, I can't score things.

After lunch I had no sports to play. The people who didn't have anything to play also, watched
the others. I, on the other hand, watched Hells Kitchen, then Sienfield, then the Simpsons on cable tv in the mess. That's all I did for the rest of the work day.

Your tax dollars at work folks, paying for me to watch the cable tv that you paid for. Hoorah for the navy!

By the way our unit lost the basket ball game 50 t0 21. And we lost the over all sports weekend.

So in conclution: Thaks for the hundred bucks!!!

The Dog Who Quacked

Once there was a farmer who owned a dog with a peculiar problem; when ever the dog barked he would quack instead. During the night a thief came to steal some wheat. As he crept towards the wheat storage area the dog noticed the thief and sprung into action. When the dog went to bark at the thief, a quack, of course, came out instead. The thief laughed at the dog and the dog’s self-esteem was shattered so he slicked away. When morning came the farmer discovered that his wheat was gone. He said to the dog “Oh, what a poor work performance you have turned out! Your quacking instead of barking is getting in the way of your ability to do your job in a satisfactory manner.” So the farmer gave the dog a bone as a severance package and told him to go forth and seek his fortune.

On his way to town the dog saw a duck on the road looking very unhappy. “Why do you seem so sad?” asked the dog. “Oh, woe is me!” said the duck “I cannot find a wife for when I try to woo with beautiful quacking, I bark instead.” Upon hearing this the dog became very happy to find someone with a similar affliction. He told the duck about how he quacked instead of barked. The duck was also happy to find someone to share his problem with. So the dog shared his bone with the duck who could nibble on the left over bits of meat.

The duck, who was more clever than he looked, struck upon an idea. “Dog,” said duck “since you quack when you need to bark, and I bark when I need to quack, we could help each other. When I go to woo at the lake you could hide behind a bush and quack when I pretend to quack.” The dog thought it was a good idea.

So, they both went down to the lake. The dog hid behind a bush on the shore and the duck swam on the lake, being careful not to swim too far from the dog. Then the duck saw the most beautiful lady duck he had ever seen. He prepared to pretend to quack as the lady duck swam by. When he opened his beak a great SNEEZE came out! The flowers on the bush where the dog was hiding made him sneeze when he smelt them. The sneeze had startled the lady duck and she flew away. The dog thought it best to hide behind the apple cart left on the beach. Then the duck saw the second most beautiful lady duck he had ever seen. He again prepared to pretend to quack as the lady duck swam by. When he opened his beak a grat BELCH came out! The dog had eaten an apple from the apple cart, and it had made him burp. The lady duck was so insulted, she flew away. The dog thought it best to hide behind a large rock. Then the duck saw the third most beautiful lady duck he had ever seen. He again prepared to pretend to quack as the lady duck swam by. When he opened his beak the third most beautiful quacking the lady duck ever heard came out. The lady duck immediately fell in love with the duck and agreed to marry him.

“Now,” said the duck “you have helped me, it is only fair that I help you.” The dog, who was only slightly less stupid than he looked, had an idea. “Duck,” said dog “we shall return to my former masters farm and in the night I shall guard it. You shall hide in a haystack and when the thief comes you shall bark when I pretend to bark.”

That night the duck hid in the haystack and the dog was sure to keep close to the duck. Then the dog saw the thief. The dog prepared to pretend to bark as the thief crept by. When he opened his snout a great SNORE came out. The duck had fallen asleep in the haystack. The thief gave a look of confusion and went along steeling anyway. The duck thought it best to hide behind the beer barrels. The next night the thief appeared again. The dog prepared to pretend to bark as the thief crept by. When he opened his snout a great STRING OF OBSCENITIES came out. The duck had drank the beer in the beer barrels and had started an argument with the moon. The thief looked like he was about to punch the dog, so the dog ran away. The duck thought it best to hide behind a tree. The next night the thief appeared again. The dog prepared to pretend to bark as the thief crept by. When he opened his snout the LOUDEST most HORRIFYING barking came out, and scared thief ran away, never to be seen again. The farmer came out to see what the noise was and saw that the dog had scared away the thief. The farmer was so grateful that he gave the dog his old position back as the head of security with an extra 5.2% of bone plus benefits.

After that the dog and the duck came to depend on one another, forging a bond of friendship that lasted to their dying days. Although their dependancy on each other made the duck’s honeymoon a bit awkward.

THE END

The Second Gayest Provence in the Country

The second gayest Provence in Canada is Saskatchewan. I know because it is my home. This summer I went to a bar called the “Pump”. At the time there was some big party or concert or something called “Craven”, I think. What that meant was this bar was full of people dressed as cowboys. So I assume that this bar (which has a fairly suspicious name too) was the towns gay bar that I heard about. I also assume that this province is the host of the largest gay party in the country. I am very sure of it because I can’t really think of anything gayer than wearing a cowboy hat.

Saskatchewan is more progressive than you might think. After all we originated healthcare and instituted gay marriage before it became federal law. I wasn’t surprised when we legalized gay marriage, because I grew up in a small town. Everyone wore cowboy hats there.

The gayest province, by the way, is Alberta. I think you are issued a cowboy hat whenever you cross the border.

Anyway, I tolerate gays. And yes, I mean tolerate, just as I tolerate my friends, family, children, puppy dogs, barefoot walks on the beach and life in general. I don’t see what the big deal is anyway, people can do what ever they want as long as it does not involve extra work on my part.

However, all of the flamboyancy of people wearing cowboy costumes all the time can get a little annoying. I don’t like flamboyancy at all. I really needed to go to a far more masculine, manly place. Quite honestly, somewhere less gay. So that’s why I joined the navy.

I'm sure most people were relitivly optamistic and happy kids. I know I was, dispite the bullshit I had to suffer from my classmates up till the 7th grade. Luckily I had a sence of Fuck You all, and you're BS. What I am saying is, it did not bother me. I had my videos and crappy comics that I drew to entertain me. I also had a sence that the best part of life was just around the corner anyway. Eventualy I would go to University and join the navy. I did both of those. Anyway, for the first couple of years I was happier than a pig in shit (Why do they like shit anyway? It's one of those sayings I never understood).

In this little drawing, it seems it will be a single moment of time will crush poor little Billy's spirits and turn him unhappy and bitter. It took three or four moments for me. Infact I can give you a couple of dates: 26 June 2006, 1 July 2006, 4 September 2006. Three dates full of failure, death and dissapointment.

However, I once again belive the best part of my life is just around the corner. The Bane of my existance since June of '06 is almost corrected. After that is taken care of, Life can begin anew. I also have solice in being able to create, being a film student helps with that. So all in all... what was my point of alll this? I can't remember.

Oh, yeah. Violence towards children is funny.

The Boss and Boss's Boss

Such is Life.

My Fight With Cancer

So I was sitting at the local bar, all alone. I was waiting for that faitful phone call that could irrevocable change your life. It’s obvious that the entire week was the most tense of my entire life. It’s terrible to say, but the bar’s alcohol helped to calm my jangled nerves. I was on my fourth pint since I arrived when out of no where it came. When I least expected it, which is how such things come to you in life.

“Crash”, went the door. He swaggered in like he owned that joint. He scanned the room. Then he announced, “I’m looking for Ron!”

The bar was silent since he came in and after he called out people started to clear the area. After a few moments I was the only one left. That is, except for Bill, the local drunk, passed out at his seat in the corner. The man locked eyes with me. He came over and stood beside me, dwarfing me with his size. I got up slowly, but with great defiance and beer in hand.

“Cancer!” I said. “You shot my paw, and kicked my dog.”

“That’s right, now I’ve come for you.” he pushed me, and I stumbled back. He was strong.

He put up his fists. “You should defend your self.” he said. I did. I threw my glass and drenched him. He grit his teeth.

“You made me wet.”

“You made me spill my beer.”

It was on.

Just before the first swing came there was a clicking and a double barrel in our faces.

“I don’t want any of this in my establishment.” The bar tender said. “Take it out side.”

Cancer backed away slowly to the exit, never taking his eyes off of me. And then my phone rang. It was the call I was waiting for.

My cat had kittens.

“Kittens!” Cancer said with great delight. “I love kittens!”

“Really, then why don’t you come and play with them?”

“Yay!”

“I like kittens” said the bar tender, in a tone of voice that hopes for an invitation.

“Then come along!”

Bill the local drunk then woke up. He knew what we were talking about. He frowned and gave us a very puppy dog expression.

“Aw, Bill. You know your invited too.”

And that afternoon Bill the local drunk, the bartender, Cancer and I had a delightful time playing with Mitten's darling little kitties.

The End

Billy, a kid. It's a comic.

Guess what, I am a published cartoonist. Why can I say that? Am I a compulsive liar? No. In fact I am quite the opposite and you are gaining weight.

As it turns out, if you send your comic to your University paper, they will be so happy to have the content that they will publish your cartoon.

This comic was about a boy thinking he was invited to a party. He wasn’t. A lesson for us all.